Hitting the wall...and bouncing back

Got up this morning and, despite having stayed up late AGAIN tweaking the blog, was able to fight back the urge to go back to bed and instead ran up to grab my morning pages journal. Did all 3 pages despite all the excuses my sleepy brain came up with. Good to be back on that horse again. [Score: creative awakening (CA) – 1, self-sabotage (SS) – 0]

But afterwards, while feeding Ryland his cereal and playing swords with Logan, I noticed I felt a little deflated – the same kind of feeling I used to get after “Rec” [short for “Recollections in Christianity” – these weekend retreats I used to go to when I was in my late teens]. Everybody would come out of those weekends on a spiritual high, feeling close to God and optimistic and glow-y about the world, but always, after the singing in my head died down, and I was back in my own room, back to the normal routine, the high would go away and I would kind of hit a wall and get that “ok, what now?” kind of feeling.

Inevitably (not being proactive enough back then to go out and try to FIND the answer to that question – actually, I don’t think I even had the self-awareness at the time to recognize the question) the further and further away I got from the event, the further and further I would slip back into my old ways, until I was back to the same old self I was before.

That’s how I am in general, actually. I get all fired up and gung-ho about things when I’m starting them out, and then some unidentifiable thing happens, and I just suddenly lose interest – it happened with photography, make-up artistry and countless other artistic pursuits. While I was pregnant with Ryland, I completely lost interest in scrapbooking even! (but not in the purchasing of supplies, of course :P)

When I felt that same feeling this morning, I got a little panicky -- was worried that this might be signaling the end of my creative awakening (already?! what a short trip!). I tried to think of something creative I wanted to work on for the day and I couldn’t think of anything. I picked up one of the books I have that usually gets me all fired up, but it didn’t do anything for me this morning. I didn’t even want to start on this evening’s entry for the blog. Then I thought, “Awe, nuts, it’s happening again. I got myself all worked up over these self-discoveries and realizations over the past few weeks and now, it’s starting to fizzle…I’m going to end up my same old self, and fail my goal for the year, before I even reach the end of January!” [Score: CA – 1, SS – 1. Tied game]

Thankfully, I stopped myself mid-freak-out. Something made me recall the thing in The Artist’s Way about time-outs and the importance of “refilling the well” -- especially after a string of creative undertakings. Maybe that’s what this deflated feeling was? A sign that I’ve overdrawn my shallow well with all the energy and excitement I’ve thrown into my BPS assignment, the stuff I’m doing with my morning pages and The Artist’s Way at Work and my blog and the wireframes I’ve been working on for the Sales Kick-off this weekend. I took a deep breath and a good hard look at my kids and thought, “f*ck it, I’m just not going to think about it” and I played swords with my kids instead and chased them around the house. Then we spent the rest of the day at my cousin’s house in Sac, celebrating his fiancée’s completion of grad school. Spent time with my family, saw some friends I hadn’t seen in ages, had a beer, a glass of champagne, and 3 desserts later, and whaddya know? I found I made it through the funk J. Maybe time-outs really could be the answer? Even if they’re not, I’m going to pretend they are. For me. For now. [Final score: CA – 2, SA – 1. CA wins!! (this round) :P]

Hard to believe someone could go through all that mind-grappling in one day, isn’t it? But um yeah, it’s possible and um yeah, I do :P.

-- AGR

On a side note, had some trouble with this journal entry, since this is the first one after making my blog public. Felt self-conscious all throughout, like someone was reading RIGHT over my shoulder. Found myself using slightly more formalized language and had to go back several times to re-write. Just curious, does anyone else feel that way when they blog? Or are you all able to tune that out and still write with the same voice?