Live the Questions

Haven’t journaled in a while – I’ve had trouble getting over that funk I wrote about in my last entry. Through the beauty of journaling, I can see that I’ve managed to spend the better part of a month in this funk! Time waits for no one.

I had been going to my usual places for inspiration/synchronous messaging – the Artist’s Way (but the chapters for the past 2 weeks have not been so inspiring for me), my favorite blogs: Ali, Wish Jar, Danny Gregory’s…nothing, nada, zip.

Last night on the way home from work, I was thinking about writing (maybe a poem) about how I was feeling like I was standing at the edge of a high precipice, so close to the edge that I could feel the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet tingling. I’m afraid of heights and I hate that tingly feeling, so I would never, under normal circumstances, stand that close to any ledge. But looking down, through the swirls of gray clouds/smoke that I imagine would swirl around beneath that sort of ledge, I see some kind of fire or light, some indication of a promise of something INCREDIBLE, waiting for me at the bottom, if I just take that enormous leap of faith.

Then this morning, I got an email notification that someone had left a comment on my blog – it was from the artist that I had written about in my last post, Leah Piken (so nice, thank you, Leah!). I went to visit her Creative Every Day blog and what do I see, but a post about “letting go of the monkey bar” with a link to another blog that I follow, 37days. There, I discover that the thing I had thought about writing last night, has already been written, perfectly (by Danaan Parry) in the “Fear of Transformation” [emphasis added by me]:

“Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment…But every once in a while as I'm merrily (or even not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts I know that, for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.

It's called ‘transition.’ I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a ‘no-thing,’ a noplace between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real, too. But the void in between? Is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible?

NO! What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth, occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives."

I think that’s what my problem has been: I’ve been holding on to my monkey bar and avoiding the void of change and then getting frustrated that nothing is changing. As is quite evident from my goal’s graph, I’m struggling to keep up with new habits and break the old, bad ones (they’re not even major changes!)

The epiphanies/realizations/self-discoveries are great, but nothing changes until I change. And the thing I need to change is my avoidance. I also need to learn to be more patient. I keep forgetting this above all. "Rome wasn’t built in a day", etc.

I found this quote on the Crafty Girl blog (yes, I’m a total blog junkie) and it’s also so perfectly fitting:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves.

Do not now seek the answers,

which cannot be given you

because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

OMG, that was totally written for me…I’ve gotta post it somewhere where I can be reminded of it constantly.