The Red Pill or the Blue Pill?

knew i should come to work today and avoid the internet -- have a project deadline due friday that i've been putting off all month.

but neverthelsess, was inevitably drawn in, slowly, bit by bit -- first to email some friends back regarding a get-together in june. noticed an email in the inbox regarding new BPS AYTR content posted, relating to LEGACY. how could i resist?

question posed by heidi in her audio: where do you come from? where are you going and who are you becoming? TIMELY.

pondering various manifestations of those very questions since my last post. they've been emerging in my journaling (what do i believe in? what makes me come alive?), in an email invite from my life coach (what do I want my life to look like one year from now?), in blog posts (what goals truly inspire me at the deepest, innate, biologically-responsive levels?)...

in response, have been surrounding myself with goals, plans, to-do lists, action items, timelines -- all very logically and achievably laid out. all that's left is for me to execute. and yet, I DO NOT. instead, i stall/procrastinate/hesitate. WHY?!!

God/the universe/the infinite is messaging me in not-so-subtle ways that i'm focusing on the wrong things -- the SHOULDs and OUGHTs, rather than the burning, driving, compelling WANTs and unquestionable, without-a-doubt MUSTs that i'm still burying beneath an avalanche of all these false, self-imposed obligations.

i'm having the hardest time because i keep trying to figure things out when the universe is quite clearly telling me there's nothing to figure. there's only to feel. to sense. to live. to trust. to follow the instinct/the muse/the whim. from heidi's interview with kobi yamada:

Life is not an obligation but an opportunity. It is not about “have to” but “want to.” I would go farther and say it should be about “can’t wait to.” Basically I am describing a life of choice. We all make choices every day. Even failing to make a choice is a choice. So if you are going to live a life on purpose then it is up to you to proactively design your life. What do you care about? How do you want to be remembered? Who do you look up to? How will you give something beautiful to the world? Ask questions worthy of your attention. Put your goals to paper. Take action. Design a life you love. As you get behind the wheel of your life, it will take you places beyond your wildest expectations.

but i've never been one to blindly follow or leap without looking, without balancing every possible pro against every conceivable con. the answer seems too frighteningly easy. too good to be true. i'm staring the proverbial gift horse in the mouth, examing each and every single one of its perfect pearly whites, fearing all the while that it might take off at an uncatchable gallop before i'm done with my examination, but maybe at the same time, secretly hoping that it will so that i don't have to hop on and take the wild ride leading to who knows where...